You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
Nothing gets you judged faster than having cum in your hair at the gas station.
I guess I was blacked out I hopped a fence and hugged a cow that night.
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
She's going to jail in a few weeks but she just got a boyfriend. Yet I'm still single as fuck.
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
That's so awful of me. Instead of comforting her I masturbated in front of my ex-boyfriend.
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
If i'm not ready, make sure i'm alive. Not passed out dead in the shower.
I'll still do breakfast to celebrate the life you've had.
By the way, you're like fucking spiderman. I've never seen someone climb out of a car window that fast and eloquently.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
Randomize
