Dude someone changed all the contacts in my phone to I Like Eggs
I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.
My RA tried to compliment my pong tables design after he confiscated it
Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me
Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.
He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.
he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
So. How about you can get tequila certified...
Just remembered I railed lines while holding a puppy
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
My boobs look fucktastic, I have a booty call on Sunday and a dick photo on my phone. Life is grand!
Dad smells like hangovers and 65 years of bitterness
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
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