dude i need help, im throwing up blood.
no youre not, you just drank a pitcher of red koolaid trying to sober up.
oh, so thats why my junks red.
wow. cant help you there...
Do you need to be saved?
No I think I'm God
Nipple clamps can be ambiguous
so this rather large man keeps buying us drinks.......then he licked my face....i dont really care though because the drinks are good. Is this bad?
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow
Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10
i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
He literally wrote out a schedule. On it, there's a taco break, and a spot where I start crying.
Omphalophobia is a real thing. don't ever fucking touch my belly button again dude
I wanna say I regret bonging a beer while having sex with Mike, but it helped me get thru it.
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
Hey, don't blame me for the shitty evening; I wasn't the one who promised hookers, Dos Equis and foster kittens. Keith was.
Randomize
