He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
Well idk about you but my nose is all recovered for the weekend.
So should I finish watching Space Jam and then get head? Or get head while secretly watching Space Jam?
I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.
I barely remember the girls that I got pregnant, you think I'm gunna remember the ones that played handball
Just got arrested in my crocs and rolled up pants with a mr rogers sweater for literally fucking nothing can u come get me?
To confirm, you are a grown ass man and you just asked me what her vag looked like.
you really need to remember next time not to write your name and phone number on the paper its wrapped in.
But what if it got lost?
its illegal. you dont want people to contact you if they find it.
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
I really need to get a comfy set of masturbating shoes
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Last night I actually told him I came with a washer and dryer
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