11:03 p.m. Whats a lie i you lovn me. Let's cuddle.
I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Billy Mays is dead too!
Somewhat annoying American icons better be watching their backs
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I may have been hammered and in a wheelchair but I definitely remember asking the hospital reseptionist to marry me
dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one
He literally is quoting that 21 questions song, the 50 cent one. oh my god.
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
Dude. Apparently I just smoked some stuff that's used for Nigerian spirit quests.
I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
This is what we get for finishing a whole box of Franzia by ourselves
We just fucked in the park on a bench and a guy with a dog walked past us and the dog walked right up to us while the guy stared at his phone.
He had a small dick and screamed "I will kill you if you don't get hard" to it in German...awkward time to have to explain I speak German too...
This is why you need to stop sleeping with freshmen.
Randomize
