next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.
It was awful. Their identical twins so it was like having sex with Jeff wearing a wig and shaved legs.
I'm putting you on my Emergency card so i can spend the last ounce of strength in my hospital bed to flip you off.
I was living a snoop dogg song I fucked her on the floor so I wouldn't mess up my bed
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
We have bigger issues at hand... Does anybody know someone in the kalamazoo area that is missing a pair of stilts ?
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
So last night was the first of "I got cut off before I walked in the bar".
I take Paypal, cash, sexual favors, and roasted red potatoes with garlic as payment. You choose.
I woke up with glitter and eggshells in my bed wtf
Ohhhhhh, that night......I need to stop drinking, almost all of my conversations that take place Wed thru Sun after 8:30 are one blurry haze.
I’m calling dibs!
You can’t call dibs on dick. That’s free range dick. May the best vagina win!
Randomize
