i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?
Is it bad that I voted for Scott Brown because I want to fuck him?
Nah. I did too.
My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
What drink are we having for lunch?
So I found where you barfed in my house. Just wanted to let you know that my cat barfed on the kitchen floor in a show of solidarity
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Ok ladies its the usual spring break system. 5 for a guy, 10 for a non-lesbian girl and double points is its a group thing. Hottest guy of the day is an additional 15. GAME ON
... Cuz there's nothing like having your two male roommates catching you have a good cry in the driveway at 9am on a Wednesday.
He's 30 years old and woke me up for a hand job. Last time I go home with someone I met through Tinder.
I feel like the dump I just dropped is the most successful thing I've done so far today.
It just makes sense. It's like I end a relationship, and wash myself of sin... with tequila.
Come on baby if you haven't had a Charleston chew eatin out of your ass you just ain't livin right.
Randomize
