Found moms dildo in drawer while looking for socks, and its wet
Im forcing mysellf to pee so i can fit more margaritas in me...
when you get a chance can you look up 'free abortion clinic' for me? cuz i dont think i'll be lucky enough for a second miscarriage.
it's great music for shaving your balls
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
Why can't I live in a world where my only 2 options are rum bikini hot tub party or masturbating?
The sun and I are not on speaking terms this morning
It's not a real holiday until someone pees on you. Did someone pee on you?
I want to share a beverage of the alcoholic category with you, but I'm conflicted about getting out from under my covers.
He FaceTimed me fucking his new girlfriend. He was wearing a banana costume.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Randomize
