my tampon string is in my asshole... do you think i can get it out without anyone noticing?
i'd get off the bar first.
LA Sucks. The only way i can get laid is if i tell people im at a law firm that represent film producers.
And when they figure it out, they act like IM shallow.
you kept saying 'can i put my penis on the grill?' and it was all i could do to stop you. you're welcome, though
he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.
The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"
TOUCH YOURSELF. DO IT.
I don't think that's how you're supposed to sext
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
So you get idea of what my night was like, I woke up this morning and the back of my head was orange
Whenever I'm hungover I try to stay in public as much as possible, hoping to be a cautionary tale to children. It's a public service, really.
My signature move is making guys wonder why they bothered in the first place
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
She referred to my balls as rotund and handsome
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
Randomize
