i hope S**** or M***** or someone took note of the fact that i was drinking popov like water and could no longer form sentences. i mean, dont get me wrong i had been thinking about boning R*** long before my sobriety left the picture but the number of reasons not to, outweighed the temptation and without sir robert burnett as R***'s wingman, it would have never happened
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
i just set an alarm for noon. fuck yes winter break.
I sharted in my sleep... I didnt even think that was possible.
you would not believe what I got pierced last night...
son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.
I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time
Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed
Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.
I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.
I cannot take someone's straight and gay virginity in one threesome. It's just too much responsibility.
I like that our conversation ended with "im gonna go get pregnant goodnight"
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
Between falling off a shelf on to a concrete floor and sex with you - i may never walk again.
I can't take 'get a man' advice from you. You'll stick your penis in a warm banana peel.
Randomize
