I know it's VERY late and i know i may have burdened you, but on the chance that it's sat nite- are you up or willing to be? Christinas camping and i'm chillin alone.
I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
So how many shot glasses of coffee grounds make a pot?
At one point I was double fisting both beer & ice cream. I love public events in this town.
you told grandpa to call you daddy
He just kept pointing to each of us saying "arrested, arrested, arrested"
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
Ok in all seriousness. Alcohol intake is now restricted for me. I found handcuffs in my trunk.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Woke up to I'm AWESOME written in purple crayon all over my walls. I love drunk me
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
