Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?
b/c u have herpes
No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.
Yah man, that place is surreal
Man, I'm from Tennessee. What the fuck is surreal?
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!
she told me she sucks everyone's dick but mine because mine is too big and "hard to suck" i need to reevaluate the girls i fall in love with.
I've never heard a "this is the reason why i dont suck your cock" explanation go in that direction
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
At least you have booty calls.
True. I just waste them though. I feel like I need to be told "there are people in this world who would give anything for just one and you have two." You know in that same tone your parents told you about the starving people in china
I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.
I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.
Well watching will be involved...it'll just most likely be of me licking your penis instead of me trying to understand how Hans Solo goes up against the Galactic Empire...
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
You ever fart so bad at work that you think about taking a sick day just to spare your coworkers from the savage olfactory beating they are about to receive?
Tomorrow I'm going to tape my thumbs to my palms and my biceps to my abdomen to learn what it's like to be a t-rex for a day. Anyone else in?
Randomize
