mark looks like s**t tonight! thank da lawd we broke up!
it's mark...i'm guessing you didn't mean to send that to me...
Last night was proof dads should hug their daughters more
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
He set 8 alarms to make sure I took my birth control on time..
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata
I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
I may or may not have told him that he's "the only one with a PHD in this pussy"... I should like direct cheesy porno flicks or something.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
If I'm walking weird, don't judge me. Things got kinda outta hand with the GoPro on.
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
Well, I hope you're having fun. I'm just gonna lay here and wait for death - shouldn't be long now.
my alarm on my phone broke at the bar sooo i had to sleep with someone so i'd wake up on time for work.
Randomize
