I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman
No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
i knew it was going to be a good night when i was bleeding, licked it and it tasted like miller light
We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.
Good news. I heard back from the doctor and I don't have a liver problem.
...yet.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
I feel like you guys are talking about real things and have real problems and I'm just over here like 'should I take muscle relaxers or get drunk tonight?'
Okay we're getting vodka and coming
Okay. Joe has my machete attached to his belt
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Might be using my graduation money to pay for an abortion.
He seduced me by making me nachos. It worked.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
You left me a note that said "The Earth is blowing up. Bring the Rosé." WTF.
Randomize
