how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this
Making my coffee at work this morning let out a jack daniels fark. Turn around and see the quiet guy making his breakfast
This concert is like a reunion of all my bad sex.
pray for me tomorrow cause I have a midterm that I've mostly studied for by watching Bill Nye episodes on the subject...
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.
best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I have to take a quiz before midnight. Trying to decided if its a better idea to take it now when I'm stoned or later when I'm drunk.
Welcome to stoned Saturday. Full of laser tag and beyonce and awesome
Ever the responsible adult, I just realized that today is the Obamacare deadline, but I'm too high to handle insurance now.
I woke up this morning and had to retrieve my clothes from the flagpole, they were using my boxers as a makeshift rally flag for drinking. Yeah last night was a success.
I once left mine in my bra and I forgot and I didn't notice it was there until it vibrated.
Randomize
