I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame
My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.
double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors
hungover at the ER to get half my contact removed from behind my eye. Not the start to the weekend I was hopin for
I thought 4 percs were too many but I'm dumping Gogurt on apple pie and taking giant bong rips. This feels right.
Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
"Masturbate" is an actual item on an actual ToDo list of mine. It is at the top.
I just want to eat my penis shaped food in front of you and see how you feel about it.
He walked into the bar with a pillow and put his head down...nuff said
YOU WILL GIVE ME MASHED POTATOES OR I WILL RIP YOUR SOUL INTO 7 PIECES AND YOU WILL TURN INTO LORD VOLDEMORT
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
shots, cocks, socks. bingo
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