When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them
Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.
way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses
i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life
It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!
Last time we had an ultimatum like that, things went very far south. I'm down, but it's your turn to wake up in a hospital.
No, dude...I agree it's great in theory but I promise you that 80 drunk 21 year old sorority girls together in one room for formal is one of the worst drama filled ideas ever. Ever.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
I'll do whatever I want when I'm 80.
If you are still alive at 80 I demand a medical explanation.
Just so you know, it is really hard to rehydrate when everything is spiked with everclear.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
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