I just spread your mom's ashes with my new girlfriend. I wouldve waited for you to fly home but she was uncomfortable in the house with her remains there. I'll mail you the urn since u handpainted it.
YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND ALREADY!?! WTF WE JUST HAD HER FUNERAL 3 WEEKS AGO!!!!!!!!!!!!
you went into starbucks asked for a mocha "on the rocks"
dude, there's a fucking musical in my head. it's fucking awesome being this high.
i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.
You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs
Very excited! Vodka will be shot, dicks will be ridden, and memories made.
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Hahahaha don't tempt me. Remember we're trying to avoid airport jail if possible
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
He won't leave and I need to take a shit and vomit, quite possibly at the same time.
Really, who hasn't had sex on your bed?
ME.
from across the room i saw you look into your beer and whisper "i love you"
Painted a stripper an elf costume. Her coworkers liked it. Now in a room full of naked strippers.
I’ve looked at so many mouse vaginas in the past week
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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