i take joy in having bigger boobs than others
My mom is such a hoarder. I found a deer candelabrum last night, it had antlers has candle holders. It was like a redneck menorah.
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Its weird to pet your cat with a boner
What the fuck?
I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.
I can't feel my brain.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
If you ever find a dick that big chop it off and bring it to me.
nope. It turned out i wasnt the drunkest person asleep in tacobell parking lot.
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
I just remembered that i did pull ups in a bikini on the porch of Red Lobster last night. someone needs to stage an intervention
Why so philosophical about cake and sex this morning?
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Accidentally mixed my gin with cold brew coffee instead of cranberry juice. It’s bad. But I’ll finish it. Never leave a fallen soldier.
Randomize
