I feel like death. Did you die last night?
Nope. Ready for round 2. Fiesta!
unreal. Greatest comeback since Jesus
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.
well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
You are not going to get a pat on the back from me for not fucking that 40 year old again.
Oh, cold wet seat on the 48! Are you piss? Are you the sweaty ass leavings of an obese person? Are you the spilled King Cobra from the night before? I do not know! I dare not smell to find out... Pants ruined...
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
You did things that should be illegal to a Twinkie and asked strangers to drive you home.
Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
No, I didn't meet up with him! That's when I had chlamydia.
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