i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."
Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.
No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.
What's the appropriateness of putting a 50 cent lyric in my gmas eulogy?
Dude. Remember the only two rules I set for that? Always have a sober friend and don't do drugs with a fat chick.
He came over in a blaze orange vest with a case of beer and a shotgun yelling about "Dove Season" then passed out in the lawn. There he lies
You having your own car has severely reduced the amount of blowjobs I get.
That was so not worth putting pants on for.
You introduced yourself and she said "wow that's a long name" and you went "yeah well you should see my dick."
Hey Cat, it's Michael. You made out with me for a hot dog last night and I feel super used.
earned some solid air miles from the plan B I just bought. #silverlinings
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
Just let me put on a bra and brush the alcohol out of my hair.
Coworker just walked in thirty minutes late reeking like weed and clutching a handful of scratch-off tickets. Also, there’s still a stripper pole in my office. Happy Wednesday!
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