dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.
We should have cut you off when you asked the can driver if you could ride in the trunk.
I'll wind up on his doorstep with a confused "oh you live here" expression, a feigned ankle injury and a seemingly fortunately placed bottle of tequila. I don't care what it takes: HIS MOUTH WILL BE ON MOUTH.
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado
Just got into a fight with a trashcan, today is obviously not going to be my day.
In related news, I couldn't want to blow you more if your dick made harmonica noises.
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
Seriously though, passing out on the police station floor must have been priceless!
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
I forget how to act sober
RICK FUCKING MORANIS!!!!!
Randomize
