Today let's steal peoples pets out of their backyards and leave ransom notes
I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever
it wasn't THAT bad but he definitely called his dick an asshole and said sorry to my vagina
Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.
I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.
You drank everything last night. It was like this huge deconstructed long island that went on for 5 hours
There's a very real possibility that I'll wake up in your uncle's driveway.
Her mom walked into the garage as we were smoking a kush blunt with sombreros on.
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.
No, the high point was when you stood on a chair and shouted you were the god of tits and wine.
He grabbed at it like it was a stress ball or something. It's a boob, not a grapefruit. The fuck.
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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