If i come over, it means nothing
I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked
he got a rim job in the basement.
apparently i was the one who gave it to him.
You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.
Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
He fed us edamame like baby birds. Slowly all coming back to me.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
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