i opened her purse and found 4 bottles of vodka tampons and an unopened box of birth control...
Every perfect package comes with a warning label.
I know the scar will be in an obvious place, that's why I'm certain it'll score me cancer blowjobs
There was an ice luge. Lets just leave it at that.
I had to brake up with him.
In my experience drinking helps.
You dont want to know why?
Not really. I want to drink.
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE ASSHOLE WHO BREAKS OUT THE SHOTS
bringing my vibrator into the shower with me. if I don't text back in 30 minutes I have electrocuted myself and died.
May the force be with you.
My new roommate is awesome. His father owns a bar and his sister has an E cup. I'm going to be with him forever
All right, sex is off the menu for you. Now you just get friendship. So I can spend marginally less time being annoyed by you.
My uber driver just told me I smell like fun...still drunk at 7 am
i just teared up watching channing tatum in drag emerge from the fog on lip sync battle. it's gotta be PMS. either that or something is realllllly wrong with me.
I'm pretty sure I just won at life. I touched the bushy tail of a squirrel while he had his mouth full and was digging in a plant on campus. That is all.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
it was the most awkward makeout ever. it was record breaking really
...i feel like you have a lot of those.
Randomize
