Please stop bringing your one night stands to Sunday brunch.
the people going to church this morning while i was walking home did not seem as pleased as i was with how many beads i earned last night
Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.
P.S. I just watched The Muppets. I feel like I just got a sadness enema.
Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I will be going to walgreens soon.. nothing says trainwreck like pickin up a scrip for xanax at 2am drunk..
Did your surprise acid trip turn out well?
She made this little rubber cap thing that looks like a brain to go on my dick. She calls it a "penis cap". Industrial design students are weird...
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I'm pretty sure the Jahovah's witness only came to our door because the front says "Twerk Or Treat"
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Are you feeling better yet?
I need a nap and a new butthole
Got any extra dick over there? I’m running low
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