I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.
remember what we learned. dont lure girls w/ food at the bar. u dont want those ones
Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.
Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.
Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
I ate all his french fries. He was no longer useful to me.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I say "glasses of whiskey" like I didn't chug it out of the bottle
So is it weird that I am super excited for my new captain america clit ring... Or is my crotch getting too patriotic
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
sober me needs to have more faith in drunk me.
Randomize
