my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
I should have known there'd be issues when he included "beautiful soul" in our playlist
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
That bad?
Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.
She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her
you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
I deflowered you on valentines day. I AM THE BEST AT ROMANCE. LOVE ME.
So he got the TA job but i told him its not official until we have a quickie on his desk. He offered to break into his office. He doesnt start until this fall.
I'm at that point in my life where keeping an extra pair of underwear in my purse is normal.
I recall trading my iPhone watch for a carton of Marlboros.
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
God bless the petty bitch who invented screen shot
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