What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"
I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.
she was wide awake when they drew a treasure map on her face the she passed out and they played like 7 games of tic tac toe haaa how was your new years
he laminated a picture of his dick.
She told me my dick looked like a baby seal wrapped in a sleeping bag.
I woke up this morning with a tampon in my nose and food EVERYWHERE...
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
He's being awfully beer snobby for a guy who ordered salad
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
Randomize
