There need to be more gay people on my afternoon soaps.
i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
i love how cold weather makes identifying sluts easier. is it below freezing? is she wearing a tube top? she's easy.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened
Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
does doing it on an automatic sink count as shower sex?
I'm on a treadmill at the gym ordering pizza on my phone so it'll get to my house around the time I get home. I NEED HELP. Or I'm a genius. I haven't decided.
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
I've noticed we have slowly begun to phase the "B" out of our Bromance.
He texted me at 3am that you cut your hand at the bar and were bleeding all over.
I woke up to a text thinking you bled out at a bar, turns out you got your butthole licked.
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
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