So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"
Yeah...I know. It's cute I think...I mean cute in a weird like hey I kinda took you home from the bar one night, maybe criticized your penis, and fucked your brains out...kinda sorta way
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Whiskey dick has taught us to be smart with our time.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
Will you trust fall hold me, so I can pee of this building.
I'm about to take my 7th shot and I have to to go to dinner with my grandma in an half hour. What is my life.
Well statistically J has a 1 in 3 chance of hospitalization when downtown
And a 3 for 3 for disapeearing
Do exhausted, barely concealed hand jobs count as joining the mile high club?
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
Randomize
