Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
I'm not sure if what i'm hearing downstairs is sex or not, but if it is, it sounds like there's a dog involved...i'm mildly concerned.
You need to take one for the team and go bang a random sample of mexicans. Cause my internets broke and I can't google mexican foreskin stats.
Its Friday night, and I'm sitting at home watching are you smarter then a 5th grader, drinking vodka. I got every single question wrong. Clearly you see where I'm headed in life.
just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on
Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?
I've got a 90 day supply of amoxicillin in case of zombie or chlamydia outbreak
We're trying to make our wedding vows nice but meeting on OkCupid fucks that up entirely.
I got the job! The hiring manager is the sister of a guy I slept with so its like I'm a real adult now
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
Explain to me how we're not being documented on? A gynecologist I saw two times 8 years ago popped up on my people you may know list on fb. What in the actual fuck?
p.s i need to stop drunk texting my mom. she brings up text convos all the time and i have no idea what shes talking about...
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
