if i get an abortion, then will you go out with me?
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
If there was a god I would have a big mac right now, but i don't
We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
I was carrying around a bottle of Jameson yelling rescue me
How are you feeling?
Hungover as shit. Someone just knocked on my window to make sure I was alive. I have been sleeping in the drivers seat for an hour parked outside my store. That is how okay I am.
theres too many punctuation errors in that text to turn me on.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
Dude, I traded weed for crunch berries. Happy Thursday.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
He kept telling me that he didn't serve two tours in Iraq for my bitch ass to drink banana rum.
In my defense, the second lapdance I gave was because of a dare.
Randomize
