Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
Just met a girl...She is complaining why on facebook you can't have more then one "open relationship"
I dont know how i feel about her from a moral standpoint...
there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them
pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
Now go wash the fat girl off your hands.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
Nope, sorry. Already took my bra off. All down hill from here. My next act will be crying, singing, and eating girl scout cookies in the shower. You can come watch the shit show though.
Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?
She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.
I just sold my hat for three car bombs. I call that a win.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
I knew it was Christmas when someone handed me a stocking filled with airplane bottles. Ps just woke up 3 days later
After walking ten blocks barefoot in Boston I've concluded drunk me needs to make better decisions.
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
Randomize
