I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...
Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
He's like Medusa, you can't look directly into his eyes or you'll turn into a slut.
So my bf wanted to cum on my face and I let him. Afterwards I wiped some off, wiped it across his forehead and said, "The king has returned".
How are ur friends?
One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car
I might have been the first person to be rolling balls at a referee seminar
Hardest I think I've ever had to work for a shack. Whatevs. Still gonna get my way though. I'll start respecting myself on Monday
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I just wanted to tell you that the German word for "dickhead" can also be translated as "ass violin" and I think that's beautiful.
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
Hurry I'm alone dressed like a prostitute eating French fries.
Sorry I threw up all over your Lyft.
It's ok I woke up next to a dumpster.
Randomize
