Fat chicks shouldn't bartend
Walk of shame was bad enough, but farting with each step as I walked past his roommates was just not cosmically fair.
Probably, but last night was a special kind of drunk. It was a "let's see how drunk I can get without killing myself" drunk.
hahaha he is wasted in math class right now and is drawing all the planets in order from the sun
i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him
So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
On the brightside though, I found the motivation to clean my shower, it was right underneath my need to masturbate in said shower.
I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
Just saw Santa sitting on a restaurant patio drinking beer and using his free hand to gesture to cars that he's watching them
Toppless hop-scotch needs to become a competitive sport
Are you on your way? Get your date and black out with me. Democracy's at stake.
I just bought a slurpee and condoms. God bless America.
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