My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it
Talking about the game in the closet with a banana wearing sunglasses.
I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.
Aaaand I cut your bangs with a large knife last night ...
I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.
What do you take me for? I'm not trying to lure you into bed with stories of my dead aunt.
2015 is a year for health and mental stability and alas we are not yet there so yolo
I went to work hungover and threw up in the break room. Told them I was pregnant and then said I quit. I don't have a job now, thanks vodka.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Randomize
