im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos
reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.
She tried to ditch the cab before she payed but she forgot to grab her shoes and wake me up
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.
That'll put some boobs in that bra.
You were so calm and collected as you strolled out the door with 40 mcdonalds cups in your arms. It was legendary.
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
There might be a dead possum in your bed, your roomate is extremely distressed!
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
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