I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.
Seriously dude, you need to stop beating off to the ellen show, it's just weird.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...
and?
RIP clitoris
I just ordered a 3 square foot pizza. This is how to beat an eating disorder.
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week
Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.
I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.
OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
Tonight I celebrated marriage equality by letting a girl I don't know kiss me at the club.
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
Randomize