I hid 4 bags of cocaine in your house. Have fun finding them
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
i'm taking a spore imprint of the mushroom we found growing in our bathroom and sending a picture to ryan. he will then be able to tell if it's trip-worthy
He just tagged everyone he's slept with this year in a 'memories of 2011' tweet
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Sorry that I got drunk and refused to let you buy me pizza. I'm a monster and I understand if you hate me forever
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Would you still love me and fuck me doggie style if I had a dinosaur tramp stamp?
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
I want to conceive our bastard child on an athletic field. Why can't we make this happen?
Just letting you know that your little sister is now your eskimo brother. You can send a thank you edible arrangement to Tammy.
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
