i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
i just called. the lady was really nice. something tells me my schools clinic gets a lot of calls about chlamydia
We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.
Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.
We could supplement the Tour with Edward Andre-hands. Because 40s are for the 99%.
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Thanks i'm proud of you and I'm proud of beer and vodka for making me drunk
you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.
I took Xanax and it did nothing to me. First sign I'm crazy and actually need it.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
Shaving your bikini line at 11 at night in the Walmart bathroom feels trashy no matter why you're doing it.
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
In case I die. I'm in ares truck with a bartender named Dave from chuys. JUST IN CASE. And let the people know my last words were suck my dick. My like literally.
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
