I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I was about to watch some really classy porn. Title was ravenous for dick. I didnt know pornstars knew ravenous was a word.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
Hey do you want me to wrap up that Jack in the Box you left in my gutter
i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
I just dropped a paperclip into my cleavage while talking to the company president... That's an awkward moment.
Did you at least offer to let him get it out??
I'm wearing a cape at the laundromat. I really can't say shit
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
I went up by the border of Canada. We took shrooms and went fishing...pretty sure we killed a dragon and ate it for dinner
I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.
Before he left he told me if his girlfriend ever finds out, she'll take us both to an alley and kill us.
but if we have a President Trump come Tuesday, I might throw myself off the Walt Whitman Bridge so Thursday might not work for me after all.
My fuck buddy just proposed... Correct me if I'm wrong, but doesn't that completely defeat the purpose of FRIENDS with benefits?
Now you can be friends with Insurance Benefits.
The boob job was worth every penny just to see the expression of pure joy on his face the first time he saw them.
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