"I want to just tie you up so you\'ll still be here like this when I get home." Actual words.
he cried for an hour, then he threw up on my lap then started singing party in the usa...opera style...
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
Results of pregaming honors college basketball social: 18 points, 3 blocks, and 3 flagrant fouls leading to 2 broken bones on former valedictorians. I'm doing this more often.
If drinking before honors events and injuring our universities brightest doesn't get you kicked out of the program, you're not trying hard enough.
Someone left their drag queen on my couch. On the plus side, he sure does know how to make a mean cup of coffee.
Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent
We had half a pitcher of beer left and he asked us if we wanted a to-go cup. Fuck yeah we want it to-go.
I lost my bar virginty and made out with a dwarf. It was a good night
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
Randomize
