Sign #1 this conference will suck: Ice breaker question, how many proud virgins do we have in the room, overwhelming response. Looks like I'm not getting laid this weekend.
24 hour fitness called offering me a free trial stating that you referred them to me. I told them you have been taking pics of naked guys in the locker room and selling them online.
That's not a bad idea, actually...
so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
i don't know at this point bringing the fog horn might be a good idea...
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
I woke up in my tom cruise outfit with my house key tied to my thong....
She was two things I dont understand: tall and Christian
I had sex with him for the first time drunk, dressed in a toddler overall tutu costume, at 2pm. Horrible start.
That was right around the time that the drunken mess pulled out his dick in front of myself and like 10 other people and started peeing all over the train platform while saying, "Sometimes a bear gets you brother. Sometimes a bear gets you."
Pretty standard Thursday night commute for you, no?
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
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