Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
i just looked at my contacts and realized i saved the pizza hut girl's number as "fckucin pizza" the other night.
If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.
Or a large amount of condoms?!?
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
he has a puerto rico area code and says his name is johnny cash. extremely suspect
I feel a five day drunk coming on.
her vagina just converted me to Judaism.
i could've stared at her spine forever man..she was so deep, and she made a drink out of vodka and organic mangoo shit. i will find her and present that goddess with some fucking gummies
you're no longer allowed out of my sight at parties
I, soberly, gave myself a concussion trying to take a pic of my vagina. Fuck you and your hangover.
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
You got me 4 pizzas and i just saw this. I'm too drunk for this shit. I just yelled "4 pizzas holy shit!" At the pizza dude
I just need you to appreciate that this is the first time I've ever been cut off and it's at an airport bar in Philly before 1 o'clock in the afternoon.
so you can go out and drink with me then fuck me, or you can come over when i get home and fuck me, or you can come over before and fuck me, or you can come over before and after and fuck me... so many fucking options
I could be writing so much lesbian porn right now but noooooo!
Randomize
