You can only be slapped by Eastern European waitresses so many times. I guess they don't want my huge cock in their iron curtain
insurance, jail, and birth control were made for people like us.
well I washed the adderal like an idiot. the capsules broke but the beads inside were intact. so my landlady came in and caught me licking the dryer lint screen
In case you come back to the room and i'm not here, yes there's a cup filled with gravy in the microwave. Just take it out if you need to heat something.
You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'd rather take 10 virginities than catch something. Right now I should be good, I mean the sex with Jake was so bad he can't possibly have an std
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
So I have to borrow my moms car tomorrow to go pick up my ID from the strip club so I can board my plane tomorrow
Drunk me just left a note for sober me apologizing for all the fucking crumbs in our bed
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
BOOM BITCH SERVES YOU RIGHT I HOPE YOU SHIT YOURSELF PETER PAN
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Nothing says Happy Thanksgiving like running into your ex boyfriend at the liquor store at 3 in the afternoon.
I don't want to sleep with any other woman but you but I want to try this whole mother daughter thing that would be nuts
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