I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
Wearing these hooker shoes was a mistake
paul mccartney is starting to look like angela lansbury
I totally have a Rabbi on speed dial now. Keep it Kosher.
i think i just puked on my phone
we live great lives
I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you
i just heard Winston Churchill in auto-tune. thank you nerds.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.
She's a freaking stalker dude, it's like having some kind of cartoon animal just following around everywhere
I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.
She just walked up to him and was like "you should fuck Angela" and it worked! She is the ultimate wingman
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
