im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Believe it's possible to jerk off while watching the food network.
So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...
Yeeah thank god
Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.
YOU RECOMMENDED ME TO THIS GIRL BECAUSE SHES A STRIPPER AND YOU KNOW MY WEAKNESS FOR STRIPPERS WITH CHILDREN.
It's just one of those nights that , as long as you have the drugs, everything is going to be alright.
We'll wreck the fuck out of my furniture. How often does one really get the chance to fuck through a table with no negative consequences?
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
Meant to have fun, ended up giving speech about consent to guy at bar. Feminist side feels happy. Orgasms side feels confused and betrayed.
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
I need a costume
Dude just wear a bra or something hahaha
found $100 my ex got arrested and I can receive free health insurance I gotta tell ya 2014 is really going to be my year
I might be drinking a 4-day old opened beer on a Wednesday. You're in no position to judge me.
It would have only made it one day at my place.
Randomize
