I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.
party started at 10. cops are coming to shut us down now and its 11. i already lostmy underwear and im wearing a sparkly thong on my haed. this has to be some kinda record.
Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged
just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
In the middle of pouring my wine you asked me if I could hear your vibrator from my room.
He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
These fuzzy pants work great for sleeping, taking an exam, getting baked and watching the hobbit. I guess i'm not changing pants for 72 hours.
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.
Yep. My memoirs will be called "A Slore Worth Mentioning"
So I think my motto should be "losing bras and dignity every weekend" but like in a really amazing way
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
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