Molly wanted me to tell you, "she hasnt shit on the floor in a while" like she thinks its an accomplishment.
I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt
You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
My hands always smell like pizza crust when im hungover.
I miss yesterday.Today's hangover makes yesterday's look like a little girl with blonde ringlets playing hopscotch in the street with a ginger kitten.
No it's only my right leg that feels like it's about to fall off. The left is fine.
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
true. but still. you know how big of a sucker i am for a penis and a pretty face.
Hot or not, she’s from Boston. It’s hard to nut when she sounds like Mark Wahlberg
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