i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?
All I need in life is some dick and a big mac.
I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.
Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?
Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
My vagina needs her own mother sometimes.
Dude, you were tagged in a stripper FB selfie. That is a whole new level of something.....
My housemates are judging me because I'm high at 8am and making Spongebob shaped Mac and Cheese
They know nothing, John Stoned.
I believe the question is can one ever have too many vibrators?
There were firefighters and a fire truck up the street. I asked what was wrong and their exact words were "Just a tiny explosion; it'll be all right"
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
Last night we proved the theory that "harder" is the worst rough sex safe-word ever.
Randomize
