I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
I have a hot bod, but my face sucks, what can i do?
couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school
Have thirty minutes until my shift starts. My heart says liquor store but my future says no
Please find an outlet that isn't stripping or getting drunk and arrested
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
I woke up to a shot of jager next to my face. I felt bad for it so i drank it
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
one of my coworkers wanted to look something up on YouTube on my tablet. I didn't know how to explain why my most recent search was "girl fucks dog."
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
Plus i lost a button on my shirt and we got free drinks all night. Sorry I'm not sorry.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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