My underwear smells like fireworks.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
This exeeds the amount of high I planned on being.
she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend
how was ur day?
this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.
All I know is that either you or I told a black guy that he looked like usher and he was sexy and that is our confession
And all you did was hit on me and do things "for America", so you weren't judged heavily
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
I didn't want to but I was drunk in a Disney bathroom with her and had a weak moment.
I can't find a song to express how gay I'm feeling.
I can still taste the Jäger. I'm gonna shoot myself.
I kicked down a wall in rage and found a door behind the drywall. Once again vandalism solves all my problems.
Why is there a trampoline for sale in my front yard?
There's a difference tho. *I* drink at seven in the morning because I work graveyards. YOU drink at seven in the morning cause you're an alcoholic.
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