i just woke up to seventeen texts from you saying all the things you would have done for a french fry.
What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.
my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.
does that include her cleaning your bowl?
It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
This is the most boring acid ever. I feel like a child. But thats okay, I've been a child before, its nothing new.
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
Now in listening to Jerome Bettis speak at the hall of fame and my boner just started twirling a terrible towel
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I've never had to kick an employee out of bed to go to work before.
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
we need to open a bar. a bar with... wait for it... A FUCKING BALL PIT.
LOL. Do you guys need a ride home?
No. we're home already. i just thought it was a brilliant fucking idea.
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
It’s so white trash that I almost have to have it.
Randomize
